Pregnancy Advice Column

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain
I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might
be called an air current.

Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after the baby finishes college.

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the
delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word 'alimony' means
anything to you.

Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to
deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?
A. Authorized personnel only ... doctors,
nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists,
cleaning crews, journalists, etc.

Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.

Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm
sure our baby will be beautiful enough for
commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
A. Your therapist.

Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear
end, and even my feet have grown. Is there
anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.

Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats
boiling them in a saucepan.

Q. What does it mean when a baby is born
with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want
to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.

Q. What is the grasp reflex?
A. The reaction of new fathers when they see
a new mother's breasts.

Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the
baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.

Q. What happens to disposable diapers after
they're thrown away?
A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in
the event of global chemical warfare.

Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q. What causes baby blues?
A. Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.

Q. What is colic?
A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.

Q. What are night terrors?
A. Frightening episodes in which the new
mother dreams she's pregnant again.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will
my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.

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This site provides general information and the web master's opinions. It is designed for informational purposes only. Always consult with a healthcare or other professional if you have any concerns about the health or welfare of your child.