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Unconditional Love
by Anne Beaty
The first
thing to understand about unconditional love is that is has nothing to
do with praising your child for breathing. It does not mean you accept
rude behaviors, lack of effort, or a willingness to ‘give in’ on any
(or all) subjects, whether they be a new pair of jeans or an ‘R’ rated
movie.
Unconditional love has two parts to it: that you have taken the time
and effort to actually understand who that child really is, and that
you love them without reservation. It does not mean you have to love,
or even like, everything they say or do, but that you have grasped the
essence of that human being, and you love it, no matter what.
The first (and for me) hardest part, was trying to learn who my son
really was. He was not the child to argue over being pushed out of
line; he was not the child to complain about being bullied; he was the
child who objected strongly to being given a ‘choice’ that was not
really a choice.
Me: ‘Don’t you think it’s bath time now?’ Child: ‘No, I’m still
playing.’ Me: ’Well, I think it’s time for your bath.’ Child: ‘Mom, if
you want me to take a bath, just say so. It’s not fair to ask me what
I want and then ignore it.’ He was about 4 1/2. This was a HUGE lesson
for me: I thought I was being ‘courteous’ and not giving orders; he
saw it as manipulative, which it was.
Children, of course, change over time.
During the years between 10-16, I had to make an effort every day to
separate out his own natural personality with the effects of puberty,
peer pressure, and his own rudimentary formation of the understanding
of cause and effect. When he came home from school all upset because
‘they wouldn’t play the way I wanted,’ was this part of his intrinsic
personality, or a behavior that was holding him back socially and
could be dealt with. Believe me, it’s a fine, fine line, and I know I
was on the wrong side of it many many times.
The second, and ongoing part, of unconditional love, is predicated on
the first part: knowing who your child really is. If you know, for
whatever reason, your child thinks of him/her self as a poor student,
you are fully justified in praising ANY improvement in school, whether
it’s from a D+ to a C, or a Fail to a Pass. However, if you know
academics come easily, you can fall into the trap of praising him/her
for every test s/he passes. There’s nothing wrong with acknowledging
their dedication and effort, but in a matter of fact way.
Unconditional love is letting the child know that no matter what s/he
does, no matter if you’re angry, upset or disappointed, your basic
love for that person is intact. That even when you say ‘no, I won’t
buy you any more DVDs this month,’ you also communicate you understand
how they feel about this, that your love is strong enough to stand up
to their ‘I’ll hate you forever’. The only response is: ‘Well, I’ll
love YOU forever.”
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Anne Beaty is the single mother of one son, who graduated from Vassar
college in 2005. She was a Special Education T.A. for the Los Angeles Unified School District for 10 years, middle and high school, where she dealt with learning and behaviorally challenged inner-city, minority, and immigrant students, most of whom wouldn't have known a manner if
it bit them on the leg. At the moment, she is raising her 16 year old niece. Email Anne: Anne
Beaty
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