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Breaking
the Cycle of Emotional Blackmail
by: Jeffrey D. Murrah, LPC
Family
decision-making is an intriguing phenomenon. Many factors become part
of the decision-making process. Emotions play an important part in
this
activity. Parents and children each use emotions to steer decisions
favorable way to themselves. Using emotions to influence decisions
develops
naturally.
The use of
emotions becomes harmful when they are used as threats to control
or intimidate others. Emotionally charged threats and intimidation
leaves
their victims feeling helpless. Victims of emotional blackmail often
give
in, believing they have no other options.
Emotional
blackmail occurs across ages. Parents use it on children, children
use it on parents and even grandparents often enter the picture with
their
opinions. One parent may even use it on the other parent. Threats
often show
up as emotion or behavior-based. Emotional threats are those where the
blackmailer uses an emotional state to control the victim. This
commonly
occurs through rage, screaming, crying, whining or complaining.
Through
making the situation uncomfortable enough, they force the victim to do
something. When this occurs in public places, embarrassment adds
pressure to
yield. After several episodes of emotional threats, the victim often
gives
in to avoid the very possibility of another scene. The very threat of
emotional discomfort or blackmail creates pressure to give in.
Behavioral
blackmail is where potential actions are used to intimidate.
These include threats of violence, suicide, running away, disowning
and even
calling Children’s Protective Services. The perpetrators may
intensify the
threats if the victim ‘tells anyone’ about the initial threat.
Blackmailers
may also threaten to go public with dirty laundry to force the victims
into
obedience.
By using such
threats, the blackmailer gets their way. Rarely does the
blackmailer consider the effects the threats have on other members of
the
family. The effect of repeated threats creates a hostage situation
within
the home. Threats also occur in the form of withholding. The
blackmailer
threatens to withhold love, attention, money or dignity. These things
are
held out like a carrot to entice the family to do things their way.
The
phrase “it’s my way or the highway” is a common expression of
this behavior.
In healthy
families, decisions are made through negotiation, clearly defined
rules and a just authority structure. Although pleasing every member
of the
family in the decision-making process rarely occurs, parents can
listen to
each person’s input before making the final decision. Discussion
allows
issues to be “out in the open” rather than someone’s will
imposed on the
family. Such discussion also reduces the feeling of being a hostage.
Displeasure can
be expressed in ways without using emotional blackmail. When
rules and expectations are clear, the need for manipulation is
lessened.
When the authority structure is clear and just, family members develop
trust
in the decisions that are made.
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Jeffrey D. Murrah,
LPC, LMFT, LCDC is The Results-Oriented Therapist
specializing in marriage and family conflicts. Visit
RestoreTheFamily.com
to sign
up
for his free newsletter.
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