Fear & Respect
by Anne Beaty

As parents, we have to ask ourselves: do we want our children to
fear us or respect us. 99 percent of us, I believe, will say ‘of
course we don’t want them to fear us, of course we want them to
respect us’, but we deal with our children in a way that is
guaranteed to instill fear. And, unfortunately, we do not usually
respect that which we fear.

The only way I know to instill respect in a child is to show
respect to him/her. This does not mean letting the child run the
household; this is not an excuse to never say ‘no’. It means you
treat your child as you would any other human: you say please and
thank you, you don’t give edicts, you allow them control over
their body and possessions

Small children: Obviously, a child about to run into the street
must be physically restrained, a child throwing a fit in public
must be physically removed. Yet as we teach our toddlers to say
‘please’ and ‘thank you’; do we also remember to say “thank you
for being such a good helper at the store today”? Do we say “I
know you don’t feel like taking a bath, so just for tonight,
we’ll have a sponge bath”, or do we put him/her screaming into
the tub? Do we say ‘clean up your room!’ or do we offer to help?
The more you can remember you are dealing with a complete human
being, no matter how small, the easier it becomes to deal with
their behaviors.

Some things that worked for me: When my son didn’t want to go to
sleep after story time, I said he could stay up and read to
himself. This had the added bonus of turning him into a dedicated
reader. When he refused a bath, I offered a shower, which he
thought was great fun. I always asked what he wanted for dinner,
and made sure at least one thing I cooked was that. I found out
from my pediatrician that fruits and vegetables were virtually
interchangeable nutritionally, and that if I could ‘balance’ his
diet over a period of a week or even two, then I shouldn’t worry.
I also learned the rule of 1 tablespoon per year of age, i.e., if
we were having spaghetti and carrots, 2 tablespoons of each for a
2 year old was sufficient. This ended virtually all battles
connected with food.

Older children: Forget confrontation, it doesn’t work, unless
your child is so cowed they’ll do anything you want, in which
case, you’re probably not reading this column.
Confrontation=confrontation, which preteens and teenagers love.
They want your attention, and they’ll do anything to get it.
Again, respect is the key. If you have managed to control
yourself, to not be sarcastic or belittling, then you have the
right to say “ I don’t talk to you like that, so please don’t
speak to me like that”. And to follow up with “now, let’s talk
about (whatever the issue is) like reasonable people”. The more
you show your willingness and desire to engage with them in a
positive way, the less they will feel the need to engage in a
negative way.

When my son was in middle school, after we’d been home about an
hour, I asked him ‘would you like dinner at 6 or 6:30 tonight?”
He flew into a rage, burst into tears, and ran from the room. I
sat, stunned. Much later, after much thought, and after he had
calmed down, I said to him “you know, right now we are living in
what middle school teachers call ‘the hormonal soup’, and there
are going to be many times you feel sad or angry or disassociated
or disappointed or any number of negative feelings. I think we
just have to know that this will pass, and it’s OK to feel those
things.” Although we lived through quite a few hormonal
onslaughts, none was ever as bad as the first one, because he
knew the feeling was temporary and physically generated.

Part of showing children respect is being willing to admit when
you’re wrong, and being willing to change your mind. If you’ve
proofread an essay for them, and their grade is lowered because
of grammatical errors, which response do you think will garner
you respect: “It was your responsibility ” or “I’m really sorry I
missed those points?” If they have a midnight curfew, but can
give you a compelling reason they should be allowed to come home
at 1 a.m. just this once, you will lose nothing by agreeing. In
fact, you have shown yourself to be a reasonable person who
listens to another reasonable person, even if that other person
happens to be 17.

The first time this happened to us, my greatest fear was that by
saying yes, I would be setting a precedent. So I made him swear
he understood this was a one time only permission, and I never
ever wanted to hear ‘but you let me before’. And I never did.

The truth is, you cannot ‘control’ your older child. You can set
limits, such as curfew, but unless you’re willing to go out and
drag them home, they will only come at the specified time if they
choose to. Your only option is to calmly state: ‘I asked you to
be home by (whenever) and I’m very disappointed that you chose to
ignore my request’. The more rational and reasonable you sound,
the greater the effect will be. This doesn’t mean s/he will honor
your curfew the next time, but you will have planted your voice
in his/her head, and even if they won’t admit it, they can hear
it.

C) Anne Beaty 2005

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Anne Beaty is the single mother of one son, who graduated from Vassar college in 2005. She was a Special Education T.A. for the Los Angeles Unified School District for 10 years, middle and high school, where she dealt with learning and behaviorally challenged inner-city, minority, and immigrant students, most of whom wouldn't have known a manner if it bit them on the leg. At the moment, she is raising her 16 year old niece. Email Anne: Anne Beaty

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