The Six Stages of Parenting
 A Stage-by-Stage Guide to Parenting
by Rexanne Mancini

Becoming a parent is a choice. Being a parent is a life-long obligation to another person and one that doesn't end when your child leaves home. Following are guidelines on what parenting entails at each stage of your child's life.

Stage 1) Pregnancy – Love that fetus like it’s in your arms already. Eat well, take prenatal vitamins and talk to your baby. A mom who is loved and pampered makes a perfect vessel for baby at this point. If you’re gonna be a dad, shower baby’s mother with as much devotion and respect as you can during her pregnancy. A fetus is directly affected by his/her mother’s internal and external environment.

Stage 2) Infant to Early Toddler – Love is still the most important aspect of parenting but now you’ll have to start working to educate your baby on what it means to be a decent human being. As little as s/he may be, s/he is learning rapidly and most of the learning going on is absorption of what baby sees and feels around him/her. Be gentle and kind; teach your baby that he/she is safe with you and that the world is a secure, loving place for as long as you can make it so. This builds trust in your child and sets you up to be a safe haven during future rough patches, which will, in turn, give both you and your child a stability in your relationship that can surmount even the most brutal hormone rages either of you go through together. :-) Baby will thrive and be a happy, loving and secure child. This is setting your baby up to be a happy positive, loving and kind person, which is vital for his/her well-being.

Stage 3) – Late Toddler to Early Adolescent (age 8 to 9) – Love that child, make sure your child knows and feels your love for him/her. Discipline becomes important at this age as your child will now begin to test you to see where the boundaries are. You, dear parent, will be teaching your child/human being how to be a good, honorable and reliable person at this age by setting limits, creating boundaries and teaching your child the “rules” of behavior, life and morality. This stage can incorporate a faith or religion or not. What you will be instilling in your child’s heart, soul, body and mind at this stage is how to live his/her life, what the rules are in various situations and circumstances and how to make good choices. Do not threaten consequences without following through at this stage. A good rule to follow is never make a threat that you’re not willing to follow through on. If you tell your son that you’re going to throw all his clothes in the trash if he doesn’t pick them up, think twice … do you really want to replace all those pricey clothes? Nah – give him a consequence you’ll be comfortable doling out if he doesn’t pick them up. You’ll be more likely to follow through, gaining your child’s respect in the process and he’ll know you ain’t fooling around when you tell him a consequence of undesirable behavior is looming.

Stage 4) Late Adolescent to Pre-teen (to age 11 or 12) – This could potentially be the beginning of hormone soup so beware of the signs and try to understand how difficult it is for your child going through this awkward and confusing stage. Have patience, be kinder than you feel and treat your child with the respect and dignity he/she deserves.

Stage 5) Teenagers - Ok, here’s where the challenges come. :-) You might think your child has gone crazy or that you’ve failed in your responsibility to raise a decent human being during this time. The challenge is learning to trust your teenager during these potentially unpredictable years.

If you’ve done your job right from the beginning, you are just gonna have to trust that you raised a reasonable, responsible, trustworthy person who will make good choices and not be influenced by negative or destructive peer pressure. You will also need to trust that you have raised a child who can handle adversity should it arise and make responsible choices in any potential situation or accept responsibility for potential poor choices they might make. Poor choices can be some of the best lessons your child learns and while it is difficult to *let go* you will need to start learning how to give your child more freedom and independence to make their own choices at this time. It’s certainly not easy but you knew that going in, right? :-)

Stage 6) Young Adults – Ostensibly, in western culture, a child becomes an adult when they turn 18. Whether or not you think your child has become an adult by this time, he/she will most certainly qualify as one so get used to the idea. :-) At this stage, your child becomes your gift to the world

Just because your child is no longer a “baby,” he/she is still your baby and you have every right and moral obligation to continue parenting your child until he/she no longer needs or desires your input. This could happen on their 18th birthday. However, if you’ve taught your children that they can count on your love and support throughout their childhood, they will most likely still depend on you being there for them and your love, support and compassion will keep them from high-tailing it out of your life as soon as they get their first apartment. ;-)

I think this is the stage where good parenting results in a great friendship between parent and child. I’m not implying that you should start partying with your adult child or acting inappropriately, just that, at this stage, your child is your equal. You no longer have the right to control what they do, think, say or feel. Your child, at this stage, should be a person you like as well as love because they will share many of your qualities, beliefs and moral attitudes. If they grow a different set of values at this stage, acknowledge their points of view. You don’t have to embrace them as your own but you do need to respect your child as the person he/she has become.

There might be a conflict of morals, ideas, political or social preferences to deal with. This is a good time to examine your own set of values and decide if you want to alienate your child because of an inability to acknowledge a different point of view. Now, if your adult child has decided to take out his entire neighborhood in a bloody shooting spree, I can’t say that you *should* accept his/her choices but this is still your child, your baby. You are bound by obligation and hopefully love to stand by them no matter what and this is probably especially crucial if your child has indeed fallen off the rational canoe and tumbled into the deep end. All you can do is love them, support them as best you can and try to understand what led to their choices.

The bottom line is, be a parent. Be a good parent and simply love, guide and support your child for as long as you live.

I greatly admire the author and principles in this book:
Parenting with Dignity
Getting Beyond Crisis Management - a Five-Point Plan for Raising Responsible, Independent Kids
By Mac Bledsoe
An excellent resource for parenting with dignity at all stages of your child's life.

© Rexanne Mancini 2010

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Rexanne Mancini is the mother of two daughters, Justice and Liberty. She is a novelist:The Catasy, freelance writer and maintains an extensive yet informal parenting and family web site, Rexanne.com – http://www.rexanne.com -Visit her site for good advice, award-winning Internet holiday pages and some humor to help you cope. Subscribe to her free newsletter, Rexanne’s Web Review, for a monthly dose of Rexanne: http://www.rexanne.com/rwr-archives.html

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