Spotlight on: Thanksgiving

Security Items
by Rexanne Mancini  

My older daughter sucked her thumb. She did so until she was six. My younger daughter had a love affair with her bottles and pacifiers until she was six. Both girls gave up their security rituals on their own, in their own time and when they were ready to give them up. This is not to say that it didn't distress me to see their teeth protruding and to know that orthodontic bills loomed large in our future. I just couldn't do it to them ... couldn't take away something that was so important to their feelings of security and their self-enforced methods of soothing the savage. 

I think, of the three horrors above, the bottle was the worst. I did take bottles away from my older daughter when she was three. It wasn't so traumatic. She wanted a bottle for a few nights but knew she had to give them up for the sake of her teeth and complied. My younger daughter absolutely refused to give the bottle the boot from her life until only recently. Her two front permanent teeth, which had come in early, were turning gray. As soon as she stopped drinking a nightly bottle, her teeth began to whiten on their own. Mind you, I did not force her to give up the dreaded baba. She decided, out of the blue, to give it up on her own. A few nights of tears and trauma later, she had overcome her habit and was on her way to falling asleep with only a few dozen pacifiers littering her bed. Shortly thereafter, the pacifiers were history, too. Since the decision was hers, I didn't feel guilt over refusing her request to change her mind. 

Know this parents ... your kids are not going to start high school sucking on their thumbs, a pacifier or bottle. They might still have a shred of their old security blanket, a severely damaged favorite stuffed toy or a doll that has seen the better side of new but they will move on and grow up without these babyish soothers. 

Kids have a need to ensure some control over their powerless environment. Think about how little say they have in anything that happens to or for them. They're subjected to painful shots as infants and toddlers (among countless other horrors) that they no more understand than you and I understand genocidal murder and torture in third world countries. They have a little mastery over soothing themselves with a pacifier, a bottle or their thumb and then, bam! They're forced to give up something that comforts them. We can justify this by arguing that it's for their own good. Yes, it is, but there are many restrictions and limitations we plant on them that are a lot more important than taking away a relatively harmless habit. 

I'm sure I'll hear plenty of differing opinions. I might even hear from an orthodontist or two. Could be I'll hear from a parent who swears their child has a deformed jaw from over-sucking something. Ya know what? I think if kids are going to have a malformed jaw or crooked teeth, they're going to have these problems whether or not they suck a thumb or pacifier. The way I see it is that both my daughters’ father and myself had teeth that needed a lot of correction. Our kids were naturally prone to crooked teeth and would need orthodontia anyway. They both do, by the way and would have needed it with or without help. 

I'm a softy. I give my kids way too much leeway when it comes to enforcing certain behavioral rules. I have a hard time telling my girls that I know better when, in fact, I'm not really sure on a particular issue. They are getting away with murder, I suspect! But, seriously, I have a harder time denying them something I feel is basically harmless and will go away on its own. Much the same as my philosophy on potty training, or not potty training as is my belief. Let them alone. Let them cling to the little things. Let them have an inch of comfort in an uncomfortable world and an ounce of power in a powerless existence. And if your child doesn't suck something from infancy on, consider yourself lucky! ;-)

Copyright 2000 – 2004 – Rexanne Mancini

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Rexanne Mancini is the mother of two daughters, Justice and Liberty. She is a novelist, freelance writer and maintains an extensive yet informal parenting and family web site, Rexanne.com – http://www.rexanne.com -Visit her site for good advice, award-winning Internet holiday pages and some humor to help you cope. Subscribe to her free newsletter, Rexanne’s Web Review, for a monthly dose of Rexanne: http://www.rexanne.com/rwr-archives.html

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