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All About Babies About
Your Baby - Main
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Siblings & Multiples
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Siblings My older daughter wanted a 'baby' in the worst way ... for longer than I did at the time and she was probably a lot more into the idea than I was when we finally did conceive our second daughter. Daughter number one was thrilled. She vacillated between wanting a baby brother and then wanting a baby sister. She would have been happy with whatever the sibling big spin tossed her way, just as we would have been happy to have any baby the universe deemed appropriate. We got another daughter and she got a sister. Probably a good thing because, living in a two bedroom condo, there wasn't the option of separate rooms for separate sexes. A week before daughter number two emerged, her father and I still had not agreed on a name for this unborn little girl. At least we knew we were having a girl, which cut down on the confusion. We had two names that we agreed on, somewhat. So, the week before our second daughter was born, I decided to let her big sister pick her name. We wrote both agreed-upon-somewhat names on separate pieces of paper, put them in a hat and let our older daughter pick one. I'm forever grateful she picked the one she did. :-) Now, big sister is very proud of the fact that she 'named' her sibling. I'm sure that helped cut down on the jealousy factor when daughter number one was forced into the position of having to share her parents. As badly as she wanted a sibling, our older daughter did have a few rough months of feeling neglected and jealous. As she was five years older than her sister, it wasn't as harsh as it could have been. I would imagine that a lesser age span would be harder on the older child. Two year-olds just aren't as likely to deal well with rivalry and jealousy. It takes considerable parenting charm to get through this. And sibling rivalry can go on for years, sometimes a lifetime. There are things we, as parents, can do to help minimize this wretched fact of life. As much as you want to believe your older child wouldn't harm your newborn, the possibility exists. Better always to be safe than sorry, especially when the older child is really too young to understand the consequences of inflicting a 'little payback' on infant sibling (rival!). Although most children will accept, love and cherish baby brother or sister, some will and do react badly, if not outright dangerously. Watch your older child closely for signs that he/she is developing stronger than normal jealousy, feelings of rejection and/or replacement. Even if you think you're being fair and equitable in the attention department, your older child might not agree with your assumption. Take heed and do whatever you can to help this stage pass as peacefully and safely as possible. Dad or grandparents can help considerably in the initial stages of sibling rivalry. Dad can spend solo time with the older child, going to the park, a movie ... anything to help your older child feel special. Grandparents, as well as other family members and friends can bring little gifts just for your older child when they visit (baby won't know the difference, trust me). And Mom, your older child will need a little extra one-on-one with you, too. Sometimes all it takes is a few minutes every few hours to give an extra hug, kiss or ask about a picture your child is coloring. Better yet, have big brother/sister color a picture or draw one to hang over baby's crib or bassinet. One strategy I used on daughter number one was to tell her that while I loved her and her sister equally, I had loved her longer. Then I encouraged her to do the math. ;-) This works, does not really imply favoritism and has the benefit of allowing displaced number one child to feel special. He or she isn't feeling real special these days ... help your older child out by doing and saying things that will make him/her feel cherished. At this time, they are questioning their validity and importance in the family and rightly so. Think about how you would react if hubby or wifey came home one day sporting a new spouse on their arm and expected you to accept, love and embrace her/him. Yes, a bit irrational as an analogy but older siblings are usually very young and not real rational. Siblings will sometimes have completely different personalities. Some kids seem to be cut from the same cloth but most siblings have distinct personality and behavioral attitudes. Go with it, enjoy the differences and allow each child their own strengths, weaknesses and passions. Rejoice in each child's accomplishments equally, no matter what you prefer or don't. Your children will grow and thrive much better if their individuality is respected and cherished. Separate rooms for same sex siblings is a luxury if you have the space. If not, consider yourself lucky that you have two of the same and double 'em up. If you have a girl and give birth to a new baby boy, the same room will work for a few years, however, this is not an advisable arrangement after your older child reaches age seven or so. Time to relocate. ;-) Here are some good site links with sibling related issues:
Multiples Did your baby come into this world with an automatic sibling in tow, as in twins or more than two? Wow ... good luck! ;-) One of my biggest fears while pregnant was that I might be carrying twins. Before you multiple parents write me in a rage, let me just say that I know twins and multiples are wonderful. I'm just admitting that I'm glad they're wonderful for someone other than me! Twins and multiple birth babies have a whole different set of sibling issues than older/younger siblings. Since I am obviously at a loss to give any personal experience on this matter, I've found you some great sites that deal with this specific issue. Here are links to browse for all things multiple:
About Your Baby - Site Map This site provides general information and the author's opinions. It is designed for educational purposes only. Always consult with a healthcare professional if you have any concerns about the health of your child.
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