A Child's Report on
the Entire Bible
Author Unknown
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there
wasnothing
but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says,
'The Lord thy God is one,' but I think He must be a lot
older than that.
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did. Then
God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve.Adam
and Evewere
naked, but they weren't embarrassed because
mirrors hadn't beeninvented
yet.
Adam and Evedisobeyed
God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven
from theGarden
of Eden. Not sure what they were
driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as
longas he
was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off,
except forMethuselah,
who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was
a good guy,but
one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built alarge
boat and put his family and some animals on it.
He askedsome
other people to join him, but they said they wouldhave
to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was
morefamous
than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob hisbirthmark
in exchange for some pot roast.
Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really
loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name
wasCharlton
Heston.
Moses led the Israel
Lights outofEgyptand
away from the evil Pharaoh after God sentten
plagueson
Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice,
lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights
every daywith manicotti.
Then he
gave them His Top Ten Commandments.These
include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or
covet yourneighbor's
stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more:
Humor
thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the firstBible
guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol
andthe fence
fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by
killing agiant
with a slingshot.
He had a son named Solomon who hadabout
300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was
wise,but
that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league
prophets.
One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big
whale and then barfed up on the shore.
There were also some minor leagueprophets,
but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After theOld
Testamentcame
theNew
Testament.
Jesus is the star of The New. He was born inBethlehemin
a barn.
(I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my
mom is always saying
to
me, 'Close the door!
Were you born in a barn?'
It wouldbe
nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners
like
the Pharisees and the Democrats.
Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was
Judas Asparagus.
Judas was so evil that they named a terrible
vegetable after him!
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards
and evenpreached
to some Germans on the Mount.
But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on
trial beforePontiusthe
Pilot.
Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed
his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life
again.
He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of theAluminum.
His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
*I did not write
this - it was sent to me by a friend via email. It is
absolutely hilarious although I have my suspicions about
who actually wrote it. :-) *
For a delightful
rendition of the story of Jonah, watch 6-year-old Mary
Margaret tell it:
The
Story of Jonah
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Then
God made the world. 
