In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there
was nothing
but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says,
'The Lord thy God is one,' but I think He must be a lot
older than that. 
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
 Then
God made the world.
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He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam
and Eve were
naked, but they weren't embarrassed because
mirrors hadn't been invented
yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed
God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven
from the Garden
of Eden. Not sure what they were
driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
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Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as
long as he
was Abel.
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Pretty soon all of the early people died off,
except for Methuselah,
who lived to be like a million or something.
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One of the next important people was Noah, who was
a good guy, but
one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large
boat and put his family and some animals on it.
He asked some
other people to join him, but they said they would have
to take a rain check.
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After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was
more famous
than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark
in exchange for some pot roast.
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Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really
loud sports coat. |
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Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name
was Charlton
Heston.
Moses led the Israel
Lights out of Egypt and
away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten
plagues on
Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice,
lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights
every day
with manicotti.
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Then he
gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These
include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or
covet your neighbor's
stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more:
Humor
thy father and thy mother.
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One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible
guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol
and the fence
fell over on the town.
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After Joshua came David. He got to be king by
killing a giant
with a slingshot.
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He had a son named Solomon who had about
300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was
wise, but
that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league
prophets.
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One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big
whale and then barfed up on the shore.
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There were also some minor league prophets,
but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old
Testament came
the New
Testament.
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Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in
a barn.
(I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my
mom is always saying
to
me, 'Close the door!
Were you born in a barn?'
It would be
nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
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During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners
like
the Pharisees and the Democrats.
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Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was
Judas Asparagus.
Judas was so evil that they named a terrible
vegetable after him!
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Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards
and even preached
to some Germans on the Mount.
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But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on
trial before Pontius the
Pilot.
Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed
his hands instead.
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Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life
again.
He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum.
His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
*I did not write
this - it was sent to me by a friend via email. It is
absolutely hilarious although I have my suspicions about
who actually wrote it. :-) *
Some graphics
from:
Bible Graphics
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